Big eyes, tiny legs and a funny walk: Crabs are nature's adorable cartoon character, scuttling awkwardly across our beaches, hilariously clambering for freedom from our chefs and occasionally composing catchy songs for our oddly arousing mermaids. We even keep hermit crabs as disposable pets to teach our children that life is fleeting, and that it is OK to paint smiley faces on animals as long as they're smaller than you. The Horror, Oh God the Horror: 
From left to right, those monstrosities are a coconut crab, a Tasmanian giant crab and the Japanese spider crab. The Tasmanian one is the runt of the litter, being only a foot and a half across the carapace, while the Japanese spider crab can be on average 13-feet across with the legs spread out! Shit! 
The coconut crab is the only land living one of the bunch, and there are reports of them reaching up to six-feet long and weighing over 30 pounds. So it's probably not singing any songs about how great it is under the sea, not that you'd be able to hear anything over the sound of your shrieking vocal chords. Holy Shit! Is it Dangerous? OK, none of those three crabs are typically a threat to people, but we assume that's only because of their lack of organization. The coconut crab, for example, is so named because it uses its claws to tear open fucking coconuts. Coconuts! Those are nature's cannonballs! 
By the way, if seized by a Coconut Crab, experts suggest that "gentle titillation of the under soft parts of the body with any light material will cause the crab to lose its hold." That's right: The best way to get this enormous, amphibious, cannonball-eating tank-spider to release its death grip is to tickle its junk with a feather. We doubt that's even an automatic reflex, the crab probably just thinks it's funny to watch you demean yourself for its amusement. | 
